Jesus hugged me

I haven't been myself lately. I have been an angry, stressed out shell of my former joyful self. I could give you excuses as to why I've been acting this way, but there are no excuses good enough. I lost sight of my blessings. I lost sight of what I had to be grateful for and I have many. 

This morning I was even more stressed, broken, tired, weary, angry. Getting to church is always a battle and as I got out of the car I thought is this really even worth it? I walked into a church full of happy people which has been annoying. Do I want everyone to be miserable, no, well...maybe? "They just have no reason to be stressed like me," I told myself. I looked over the crowd and forced myself to be empathetic, an action that I use to freely give but now takes all I have to muster just a little of. 

The Spirit of God was moving heavy during the service. So much so the pastor didn't start preaching until around noon. I began asking god to give me my joy back. To give me peace, joy, patience, understanding, love all back to me. Anyone who needed something was encouraged to go to the alter. Many people prayed for me. I prayed and held it together quite well. I resolved to the fact that perhaps I was asking to much, perhaps I was too far gone, maybe, just maybe I had gone too far to get back. Maybe He didn't want me back. Then in the way back to my seat a man grabs my hand. I look down to where he is sitting and his arms are raised. He wants me to hug him. I bend down and right there Jesus hugged me. The walls broke, the floodgates opened and the tears poured out like Niagara falls. 

All it took from a hug from a stranger to heal me. A hug from a child like man who may not have even understood why he reached his arms up to me.  Who probably got more than he bargained for especially as I clung to him after he was ready to let me go. He may never know this side of Heaven what that hug meant to me. 

Today Jesus hugged me.

Be blessed

It's been awhile

Looks like it's been a little while since I wrote on here. Sorry. Life has been busy and is about to get even busier. We have been going to the pool almost everyday. The pool makes a great therapy tool. Judah can walk around the pool and there is a jungle gym to play in in the water. All the boys get their sensory needs met there.  The girls get to have some fun too. So it's win win. Despite all the sunscreen the boys are darkening nicely. Haha. Misha is loving the water and is going underwater every chance he gets. He started doing it all on his own. We can't keep him out of the water. 

Judah had his toe nails taken off of his big toes on both feet. The doctor said they will never grow back. He had to have this done due to trauma most likely the too small tights and shoes that were several sizes too small for him all those years in the orphanage.  The worst part for him was the cold spray. He got very upset at that but then the rest of it he was fine. I however was very glad I did not have anything to eat that morning. 

Judah got his feeding evaluation and will be getting feeding therapy. He does not move his tongue ever. You have to move your tongue to chew. He can't chew until he learns to move his tongue. He can not even stuck his tongue out. A bit of good news was that Judah really seemed to like his therapist. He was all smiles and did everything that was ask of him. This does not surprise me. He loves strangers. He shows off for strangers. (classic reactive attachment disorder) At least the therapist  recognized that and told me in a few visits Judah won't be so cooperative. 

The house is about to get busier because we finally were approved for the Medicaid buy in program. We pay an amount each month and. Judah and Misha get Medicaid as a back up. This means therapy! Formula! Specialized equipment! Osteoporosis treatment paid for! Misha needs dental surgery like Judah (to a lesser degree)had and  it's paid for! Praise the Lord! God is so good. We have struggled so much since the boys came home. Neither of us anticipated all the medical, especially for Judah. We had faith and we had good insurance or so we thought. Faith is still intact but the insurance turned out to be a nightmare once the boys were home. This Medicaid program took 11 1/2 month to go through. I even had to call the state representative to get some help. As soon as I heard we were approved I called the therapy place and got Misha and Judah set up for OT to start ASAP and also a PT and ST eval. Medicaid at the perfect time too because Judah is getting ready to spend the night in the hospital for his second osteoporosis treatment. That would have been 3000.00 

My book I wrote has been published. You can purchase it on kindle and in print. It is called The Missing Piece. It is a story about a mama who is trying to find what's missing in her life and she finds him in an orphanage. 

http://www.amazon.com/Missing-Piece-Ashlee-Beck-ebook/dp/B00KZW2XYY/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1403921635&sr=1-1&keywords=the+missing+piece+beck

I was also ask to write a blog post for Studio Movie Grill on their special needs viewing. We love their SN program. Without it we could not go see a movie. The children with special needs and their siblings are all free. Parents just pay 5.00 so the ten of us see a movie for 10.00. Not only that but it's not as loud or as dark. It's an awesome program. Anyways, here is the post:

http://thesmgblog.wordpress.com/2014/06/18/special-needs-viewing/

I hope to write more. It is a really good outlet for me, it's a thing I do for myself. 

Having a book published was on my bucket list and I am so excited I actually got to do it. I am talking with a non profit organization that helps orphans about donating money made from the book sales to their organization in exchange for publicizing. They approached me with this idea and I love it. 

I will try to update more.

Be blessed

Update in pictures

Beblessed

Another day another specialist

This morning Judah saw the podiatrist. When Judah came home last July we noticed that his big toes looked different. The pediatrician said they would probably fall off. Well with everything else this little guy had going on the doctors agreed this was a non issue for now. 

But here we are almost a year later and instead of falling off new nails have grown in yellow thick and on top of the old nails. I told the doctor I wanted him to be seen. She agreed. So today was that day. The podiatrist said that what happen was Judah had a big trauma to his toenail during the growing process. The main part, the nucleus or matrix of the toenail was damaged so severely that the nail will always grow in thick and won't be normal. Most likely this is causing pain. The doctor said wearing the tights and too small for him shoes probably contributed or caused this. It certainly did not help.  He then told me what we need to do. He said he would have to numb the toe, take off the nail and then chemically burn the main part of the nail where it grows. That was hard to hear. Sounded like it would be painful. Poor kid seriously can't catch a break. 

Next he looked at the brown mark on the bottom of Judah's foot. He has had it since we sprung him. It was small, brown and weird looking. Ped said, could be a birthmark. Again, more pressing issues when we first brought him here.  Well, the podiatrist looked at it and said he was concerned and ask us to call the ped and get a referral for the dermatologist. When I looked at it I noticed it has changed shape, but Judah has grown so maybe that is just the reason. 

So we have that procedure scheduled. Next it was time for nephrology after a pit stop to get labs for Misha.

Judah has had consistently high blood pressure. I have mentioned it to every nurse at every visit to every doctors. They said he is just nervous at the doctors. Yet, we were told early on that Judah's kidneys were functioning at 60/40 and one was hypo plastic. There was nothin to do but wait for kidney failure. Then doctors could intervene. Well a sign of kidney issues is high BP. The nephrologist today said that high blood pressure causes kidney damage and kidney damage causes high blood pressure so it is a vicious cycle. He needed a urine, labs and an ultrasound. The doctor put him on a blood pressure pill too. 

First things first, pee in a cup. Oh my gosh 1- boys are super easy to get a urine from. I did not get peed on like I have been with my girls. 2- he thought it was the funniest thing and just laughed and laughed. I however did not find it as amusing. 

Next we went to get blood drawn. My boys never cry. This is not a good thing. If you have adopted you understand. He did do well though. After it was over the lady gave him a sucker. Well you would have thought it was I don't know what, poop, maybe. He was throughly disgusted. 

So it was a very long day with lots to digest. Today's visits made for more visits too so that's a bummer but day by day appointment by appointment this kid is getting better!!!

One more thing, today he walked to his appointments! It took forever but he did it! He is getting stronger everyday. 

Be blessed