Hurting

Tonight I read a story. I grabbed my chest while reading because it hurt so bad. I felt ashamed. Am I doing anything to help the plight of the orphans? Is adopting a child with Down Syndrome out of state foster care really helping? Should we go to Russia or Bulgaria? Is that the only way we can help? Is that the right thing to do? I dont know!

Tonight I am questioning everything. It isnt a money issue as to why we arent going to Russia. Paul doesnt feel like we should and really neither do I but I hear these stories and I see these children and I have second thoughts. My heart hurts for Russia. It hurts for the Ukraine and all the EE countries. In fact tonight I came across a picture of Faith, the little girl we tried to adopt and lost. I had to move very fast past them. One picture I lingered on a little long and it hurt. My heart hurt. I thought again about just seeing how she is. Is she alive? Was she adopted? I went to that horrible adoption agencys website praying God dont let her be on there or let her have MATCHED beside her name....I didnt see her?! What does that mean?! I tried to find her. Maybe I will never know this side of Heaven. I checked the Pscov russian database. I checked it in Russian because they dont let you do it in English. I translated it and went through about 40 pages of pictures. She wasnt there. I considered calling our Russian attorney again and paying her the 500.00 to see if Ksenia was alive. I just want closure.

Back to that blog that got this post all started. Are we really doing any good? Am I trusting God fully to provide our child to us or am I setting my own limits on God?

I need sleep and prayer.

Be blessed