The final goodbye...for now.

Had I not ask God to break my heart for what breaks His I would not be so heartbroken right now.....but I also would not be so blessed.

This week I was emotionally pushed to the brink of all I had, but what happened was God took over. He took my hurt and my boys hurt and He promised He would not leave them as orphans and that I would have the desires of my heart.

I did things this week I never thought I would or could ever do. I traveled half way around the world by myself. I didn't miss one plane! I spent time here in Bulgaria without my husband or children. I went out on my own, shopped, learned some Bulgarian, paid bills, visited an orphanage, fell in love with this place, saw my children over here and spent time with them, death with hotels and everything all on my own. Well you know, just me and God.

Today as Mishas caregiver came in he would talk and was very sad. He pushed back into my arms and told the caretaker no! Lol. I told him I loved him. I told him I wouldn't leave him there as an orphan, I would come back for him. I told him to remember me. I told him it would be ok and soon we would bust outta there and never look back. I moved him from my lap to up in my arms. He laid his head on my shoulder. She took him. My heart hurt and my eyes swelled. Mishee mommy loves you ciao ciao meeshe. He blew a kiss with a sad look on his face. I couldn't bare the pain but I had to think about him and Judah. He left the room and the door closed behind him. Gone.

Before Judah's caregiver came I told him I had to leave and it would be a little while before I came back. He shook his head no like he knew what I was saying. He was sad too. I told him I loved him and it would be ok I would be there soon, I promised. She came in. He went blank all life out of him again. I kissed both his cheeks and he blew me a kiss. Never before had he done that. I told the translator to tell him I had to go for now but would be back to get him one day soon. He left.

I did it, the ugly cry, you know uncontrollable tears and snot running everywhere. There were people in the room so I ask to leave and I could. I went outside. I couldn't get out of the doors fast enough. As I could feel the cold air on my face I turned and leaned against the wall of the orphanage. I could barely breath. I felt as if someone punched me in the gut and took all my breath. It took all I had not to fall on my knees right there.

This hurts too much God!

I miss my boys. I feel as though I am grieving. I think about the visits and what they will think when they aren't going to any. I hear my meeshe calling for me "mamas coming!" I can hear his laugh. I can smell his hair and feel his soft skin. I can feel me kissing his chunky cheeks. I see his furrowed brow begging and the looks he gave telling me I knew he wanted me to stay right there with him. I can see Judah's smile and dimples. I can hear his noises he made and his laugh. I can see his dark eyes looking straight through me to my soul. I can see him leave and go someone else in his mind when they come to take him back to his room.

Now I leave. I leave them here and pray. Judah goes to the hospital next week and may have to stay. Poor boy alone doing medical procedures. I know that will send him further into his self. Misha will call me day after day. I am praying he doesn't stop calling for me, holding out hope I will be there soon.

The pain is real and raw but the fight is in me. I am ready to go back to the states and finish the rest of this paperwork because that gets me one step closer to being back here. I miss my family and I need my man to hold me. This is tough. But God is good.

No one believes I will be back in March, I do. The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective so please please pray I am back in March. I can not wait to have my whole family together at last.

Pics and videos tomorrow I'm spent and need to be up in 4 hrs.
Be blessed