Sad

I'm trying to remember all of today, process it and write it down before I forget, but somehow all I want to do is cry. I want to just get on my face and beg God to let me bring them home in March. People laugh and say it can't and won't happen, but I believe it can. I say it publicly even if I look stupid because God can do the impossible and then think of how others faith will change then!

I have to talk about the visit I do. I have to share pictures and talk about all the wonderful people and places here in Pleven. I just can't. I need to cry. My body is telling me I need to, a good cry. We have been so busy I have gone from here to here to here and in the 5 or 10 mins I am in my room I put my hands in my face cry then a minute or two later I stop myself. I think if I go longer that hat I won't be able to stop.

This is the hard part. The paperwork, the dr visits, the lost luggage and tons of plane rides and jet lag, that's the easy stuff. This is the hardest part right now, the day before I say goodbye and I know that Misha is saying "Мама идва." Meaning Mama's coming. Or "hide ah" (phonically) meaning lets go. Then I don't show up that day and he says it the next and the same thing happens. One day he will just stop saying it. He will stop hoping or thinking I am coming back. And Judah who is so happy now. The transformation of that child in 4 days is nothing short of a miracle. How much further will he revert back into his shell? Will he be able to trust I won't leave again when I return?

I love them. Misha is a маймуна (monkey)! He spews joy and all you do when you are around him is laugh and laugh and laugh! It hurts when the staff have to come and get him and he gets the worried look on his face. It breaks my heart when he screams "nooooooooooooooooooooooo!" I love when he shakes his chubby little finger at them and say uh uh!And refuses to stand or move from my lap. I tell him I love him. I kiss him 1001 times and I try not to cry. I try to remember how soft he is and how squishy. I tell myself I have to be strong for him and later is when I can have a moment. I tell him I will see him in the morning. I make them tell him that too.

Judah knows too when it is time to go. His whole demeanor changes. He goes from smiling, happy, playing, making eye contact, interacting to eyes glazed over hand hitting head mouth gripped shut, teeth grinding and moaning. I think about what his days will look like when I am not there. Will he wonder where I went? Will he think he did something wrong? Will he stay eyes glazed over, mouth tightly shut banging his head with hand or will the light we all see in him stay and hold out hope that Mama is coming back?

Will they tell them I love them? Will they hold them when they cry? Will they hug them just because? How am I going to do this tomorrow? How will they know I will come back? That mommies always come back. How long will it be? How long will it feel? Will they smile again? Will I? Did I take enough videos or pictures? Did I make them feel loved? Did I kiss them enough? Could I do anything differently? Did I give them all I had, recklessly abandon never holding back.

Wow! When you ask God to break your heart, He really does.

Be blessed