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I am watching My Sisters Keeper. I figure the paper pregnant hormones are so bad right now anyways may as well watch a movie that makes me ugly cry. While watching it I was packing, unpacking repacking. There were moments when the breath would just feel like it was being stolen from my body as I realized I am about to leave my family. My chest hurt so much it took all I had to breath and not cry.

Last night we were at church and I look over to see Cherry, my 8 year old, blotchy, red and huge tears streaming down her face. She couldn't even breath she was crying so hard. I ask her what was wrong. She told me she didn't want me to go. Broke. My. Heart.

I told her that I had to go. I ask if she understood that and understood why. I told her that if I didn't go it meant Misha and Judah had to stay in their orphanage. They wouldn't have a mama or a daddy. They wouldn't have a family. This was part of the process. I needed to go so they could come home. I told her I was going to be ok and told her she was going to be really good because with dad that meant less schoolwork, more playtime, less cleaning ;) she liked that idea. I hate that they will cry.

How do I walk away from my 6 children...how do I get on a plane, 4 planes, without my family?

I pray. I ask God to comfort them and keep them safe. I ask God to bring me back to them because they need me and I need them. I look at the pictures of my sons and I pray.

Sometimes God asks us to do things that are hard. Or that are out of our comfort zones. Sometimes he asks something of us that we think is too much to ask. Sometimes He asks us to let go of the ones we love because its their time to be with Him, but we will see them again. Sometimes He asks us to walk away from the life we want, the life we think we deserve and sends us down the road less traveled. Sometimes He asks us to go into the far corners of the earth and preach His word to further His kingdom. Sometimes He asks us to stop and stay where we are even though we want to go elsewhere. Sometimes He asks us to leave our father and mother and follow Him. Sometimes He asks us to lose our life so we can gain it.

Mothers losing their babies far too soon. Wives loses their husbands. Children losing their parents. People get sick and their loved ones watch them waste away into a shell of who they once were. Freak accidents take best friends away. Children laying in cribs barely alive, you can see every rib, their eyes are glossed over and the life in them has left long ago. Grown men that are curled up and stiff in a crib where they laid all their lives. Cribs full of blankets appearing empty until you see a blanket move and hear a faint cry of a baby about to die.

What He ask of me and my family seems so small compared to what He asks of others. I get to travel. The kids get a vacation and we all get blessed with little ones filling our house full of laughter and joy.

God is good. He is sovereign. He is holy. His word does not return void. So i cling to His word. I pray for strength and He tells me I can do all things through Him who gives me strength(Philipians 4:13). I tell Him I'm afraid and He whispers to my heart, I do not give you the Spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind(2 Timothy 1:7). I tell Him I am not worthy to do this. He says, you did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit-fruit that will last-and so whatever you ask in my name the Father will give to you(John 15:16). I will be alone. Again he speaks to me gently as only my Papa can and says, Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid, for The Lord your God goes with you; I will never leave you or forsake you(Deut. 31:6) and then my heart finds peace. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid (John 14:27)

Be blessed