Selfish

I had a revaluation today in the bathroom of the hospital. I'm selfish. I had just been called an angel by a nurse and my stomach turned. "I'm not an angel", I wanted to scream. I'm horrible. I'm selfish. 

You know its like this: when you ask a friend, "hey can I help you? Is there anything you need? I can come clean your house." They say that would be great. So I go over to their house to clean it and then I complain it is messy. 

That's what I feel like I did to God. I said,"choose me, send me, use me. I can do it. I would love to help. Can I help with that?" Then when He says yes, I complain about it. It's hard. It's messy. It's long hours. It's different than I thought it would be. Messier. Maybe I even feel slighted or that God isn't as grateful as I thought He would be for my sacrifice that I ask for. 

Selfish.

I think somewhere along the lines I forgot that I ask for God to break my heart for what breaks His. I forgot that I ask for Him to send me. I forgot that I prayed where You go I will go. Where You stay I will stay. Who you love  i will love. I had a choice. This life wasn't thrust upon me. I chose it. I ask for it. I'm not an angel or a saint. I'm a person in love with her Savior willing to do what He asks. Then complain about it. Yuck! How selfish. Even self righteous. 

Jesus went to the cross and suffered immeasurably and He didn't complain. Aren't we suppose to be more like Him? Isn't that the point? 

What I need is to be more grateful and less begrudging. This is a hard life but my God will supply all my needs. He gave me the equipment to do the task. It is up to me to use it. 

So instead of complaining though this thing called life, I will try to be more grateful. I ask to be chosen and was chosen. Sure, I didn't realize all I was asking for,but obviously God saw something in me to make Him know I could do this. For that I am grateful. 

I'm in the potter hands. Instead of fighting to get away I should mold to His ways. I'm in the refiner's fire and instead of complaining about the smell of smoke I should praise Him for not let me burn to ash. His ways are not my ways.....they are way better. 

Be blessed